About Akien MacIain...

THIS PAGE LAST UPDATED 2/1/2005

FOR THE MOST RECENT INFORMATION ON ME, SEE ONE OF THESE TWO LOCATIONS:

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/akien/ OR

http://akienm.livejournal.com/

Last update: 2/1/2005

First off...

My name is pronounced A-Ken. It should be spelled Aiken, but Da couldn't spel to save his life. Really, tho, neither can I. The last name is "Mac", meaning son of, and "Iain" (pronounced Ian) -- that first letter is an i not an L.

Next, this is a place to find out a little bit about me, and my family. And the first thing you need to know about me is I don't have a lot of time to devote to making cool web pages. What's here is words about me, not an attempt to impress with full multimedia experience.

You can contact me at akienm at weirdness dot org (Why make it easy for the address harvest bots?)

Next, a few links:

More about me: My LiveJournal Tribe.net profile Friendster Profile Emode Profile

My stuff: My Resume Pics of me My wishlist

Our stuff: Our Coaching Our Calendar My Family

Now, about me...

I'm a personal and relationship coach.

In English, that means my wife and I work with people to help them achieve their goals in the realms of work and relationships, including their relationships with their primary partner(s), children, other family, co-workers, customers, and most importantly, themselves. We've also taught a couple of workshops on managing relationships.

I began the coaching work doing weddings, discussed below. That work has been going on since 1990. It really morphed into coaching some time during early 1999. The underlying work, the basis for what my wife and I teach, goes back to 1980, and is composed of many different workshops, books, therapeutic and relationship experiences.

You can read more if you're so inclined.

We are exploring how to make a business from this work which will support us and those we love. Some of the things which might appear in the book can be found on My Live Journal.

But isn't this therapy? You're not a therapist, are you? No and no. I am a minister, and can offer ministerial counseling under that, but what we offer is relationship training. My lovely wife wrote this excellent bit on it:

Major distinctions: We don't diagnose, we don't prescribe meds, we don't take insurance, we don't spend ages untangling your childhood. We DO offer more pro-active advice, we suggest tools based on a variety of backgrounds and trainings, we help you use those tools by checking in and reflecting on your progress. We coach you on how to make the best of your current relationships (including but not limited to your relationship with yourself), and, depending on your personal needs, on how to find relationships that work for you. Not to say we never discuss your childhood, for instance, but if we sense that you need some serious therapy, we'll recommend you go see a therapist. Our work on the whole tends to be more centered in the present and more proactive, as opposed to therapy which tends to focus on finding "root causes" of current problems and adjusting your relationship to those causes, while the therapist provides more of a "blank mirror" for you to do the exploration yourself. A football coach doesn't really care about your relationship with your mother, unless it's interfering with your ability to practice and throw the ball a certain distance. Similarly, we don't focus on your childhood relationship with your mother unless it's getting in the way of your completing the homework and meeting your own goals in the here and now.

I'm a Software QA Manager, and a Build and Test Automation Infrastructure Architect.

I've managed QA groups, designed and implemented automated build and test systems, and all other manner of cool QA stuff. I love the people side, and the technical side. I'm still learning the business side.

I currently work for a company called Zone Labs, we do endpoint (personal and enterprise) firewall products.

A big project that I’m particularly proud of was the build and test system at Silicon Spice (now Broadcom). The system consisted of three different component types, a "Brain" that directed the system; "Builders", which did the builds (there were 10 when I left); and "Clients" which actually ran the automated tests on the builds (75 clients when I left). Each night, the system would do a build, and issue pass or fail messages to different mailing lists. Upon completion of the build, it was uploaded to a NetApp box, and then commands send from the brain to the clients, telling them to get the build, and which tests to run. The upshot was that when we arrived in the morning, the builds were done and the results of all the tests had been emailed to everyone. In addition, we did builds every two hours throughout the day. It was a very dynamic environment, and these "continuous builds" allowed us to fix any problems before the nightly build was run. The system was able to do 80 builds a day, but we never went over 30 while I was there.

There were a lot of other cool features, like the system could run builds and tests against private branches, useful for testing before merging onto the integration branch... And even do a separate set of ongoing builds and testing against release branches in parallel with the ongoing development on the integration branch.

It was a wonderful system, and I miss working with it. But a friend of mine is building something similar... Maybe soon it'll be a product.

I'm an ordained member of the clergy.

We perform weddings. We do not have a canned service, each one must be specifically crafted for the parties involved. We work together, meeting once a month from the time we sign on until the wedding. We don't assume the parties to be married share common definitions to words like "commitment". We discuss it, and come to common definitions. Then we build those words into the ceremony. We also discuss what really lies ahead for them, how will they approach and resolve issues? And we build that in too. This makes for a very powerful ceremony.

I'm looking for a kink friendly lawyer to help me create a package that gives most of the benefits of marriage to gay, lesbian and poly arrangements (trusts, power of attorney, that sort of thing).

I do not currently have a congregation. Did that for a while, not really my thing.

Update 11/17/2K: Interestingly, someone I'm just coming to know (we'll call them person A) has been doing a background check on me. More on this some day later, but person A showed the above sentence to someone else, who we'll call person B. Person B said they would be offended by the above had they been part of my congregation. I find this perspective odd. I mean, the above doesn't say anything about my congregation, just about me. I'm not suited to lead a congregation. They were a great bunch of folks. And I believe they've all read this page, and none of them was offended.

So, the congregation was an exploratory thing called "The Tuesday Group" (since we met on Tuesday evenings). Meetings followed a cycle of three weeks. First week, we would go learn something new. Maybe watch a video on a spiritual or psychological topic; the second Tuesday we would usually discuss or do some exercise, ritual or some such related to what we had done the previous week; and the third week, to keep things a little lighter, we'd hold a potluck, and just have fun.

It was very interesting and we learned a lot, but I grew tired of leading it. It eventually died because I stopped feeding it.

I'm a Forum graduate.

I have completed the Landmark Forum (12/97). And, yes, I do believe that almost everyone could benefit from it. What is it? Ask me sometime, but don't be in a hurry to get anywhere. I also have completed the Advanced Course (2/98), and the CAP course (5/98).

While Landmark is a cool thing, I do find their processes to be rather inspecific... I've just felt like there were some ways in which Landmark doesn't stand very well on it's own, you need to surround yourself with like folks. I'm currently trying to figure out how to plug the holes that I see in it.

I'm a survivor of physical abuse.

The way my mom told me about it when I was about 24 was 'it was like he had to hit you every few days so you’d know who was boss'. My mom and dad separated when I was in about 10, and I found out later that it was about this and about my dad having had an affair. An aunt relates that one of the conditions for my mom taking him back was that he not beat her kids again.

Both my parents passed away when I was in my mid twenties. About a year apart.

It took me a long time to realize I was a victim of abuse. And even after realizing it, it took me a long time to find my anger over it. I think I've completed dealing with this, and with the grief of my parent's deaths. The times I miss them most currently are when I'm looking at my kids, and thinking that it's too bad my parents will never meet them.

I'm a parent.

I have two really spectacular daughters. Victoria, born October 25, 1984, and Allegra, born February 2, 1997. Victoria came to live with us when she turned ten, and the experience definitely changed my perceptions of parenting. My parents had often used phrases like 'because I said so' that always drove me nuts. I promised I'd never do that. Fat lot of good that did.

I thought if we could just be open enough, explain everything, that may kids and I could be partners, and I'd never have to be an ogre. <snort!>

One revelation in the realm of parenting has been that parenting is fundamentally unfair. And not in the way I thought as a kid. Kids abuse their parents all the time. If a parent does some of the same things to their kids as kids often do to parents, they'll get hauled away for it!

I figured this out because Victoria went to visit relatives back east over the summer of '97. Dawn and I have been doing all her chores, and we're finding that it takes less energy to do that than to harass her into doing it. But there is no out. She can't be raised to think she doesn't have to contribute to the running of the house. So I'm learning about boundaries at the same time as my kids.

In all fairness, When Victoria took the Forum, things began to improve. And that has gotten even better since I took it. So we'll see how it goes.

I've also given up on being the perfect parent. I'm striving to simply be better than my dad was. This means never hitting in anger. And it also means that I get to feel good about the job I'm doing as a parent. The idea being that anything above and beyond 'not hitting the kids when angry' is an accomplishment surpassing the goals.

When Victoria turned 16, things began to change. I don't know if it's because of the age, or what. But she's stopped viewing us as the enemy, and started working with us more co-operatively. I really like this, but I wish I understood the reasons better.

I'm a husband.

Dawn and I married September 22, 1990. The wedding was held in the Oakland Rose Garden and was lovely.

But we put the wedding on ourselves. This meant that we were doing the directing and producing right up to the last minute. That part sucked. On our wedding night, we got to the B & B with the hot tub where we were going to spend the night, made eyes at each other, got into the hot tub, made eyes at each other, got into bed, made eyes at each other, and passed out from exhaustion. I guess only having had two hours of sleep the night before such a big production takes it's toll.

I don't recommend putting on your own wedding.

I'm an amateur neruopharmacologist.

I seem to suffer from a kind of boredom about a lot of things. Even things I want to do. Writing this page has taken me forever. I think it's a non-standard form of attention deficit disorder. I say a non-standard form because I was tested for attention deficit a few years ago, and they said I didn't have it.

So, I've delved into the chemistry of the brain to try and figure it out. I've had some success in combating the problem by using Bromocryptine to raise dopamine levels.

I have also been on Zoloft (tho not currently), and am currently on a large collection of vitamin supplements and herbs. In particular the herbs were helpful when Allegra was born and there wasn't enough sleep in my life.

Update 11/2001: When things really shifted was when I tried a combination of Wellbutrin, Idebenone, Vinpocetine, Nicergoline, Phenylalanine and Tyrosine. This combination ups both dopamine and norepenepherine. Which ups my drive and focus! I’m getting things done (like editing web pages) that I’ve been putting off for a long, long time.

I'm a pagan

'Doesn't that mean you're a witch and that you sacrifice things!?!' Not necessarily, and no. Witch was originally wicce, meaning 'wise'. And for those biblically inclined, if you read the ORIGINAL versions of your bible (or English transliterations of the Greek and Hebrew) you'll find that it's 'thou shalt not suffer a poisoner to live', not 'thou shalt not suffer a witch to live' - interestingly, this means someone who defiles the environment, uses resources inappropriately, or in some other way endangers the group's survival.

A lot of pagans are Wiccian, I am sort of. I take that which suits me, wherever it comes from. I have found the pagan community more understanding of my ideas than other branches of religion.

So what are my ideas? Well, I think everybody's view of religion or god is mostly right... except where they say that everyone else is wrong ('we are the one true right and only way'). Anyone who claims to know better than any other what god wants for all of us is either deluded, or a liar.

I am ordained, and I have worked as a pagan minister, and I try to spend a little time looking at the world that way every day.

I try to live a transparent life

We all have our demons, skeletons in the closet. My way of healing around most of those was to stop hiding. Now I try to lead a transparent life. To most of the folks I talk to, this sounds pretty scary. I mean, the societal model is: I tell you something about me, and I give you power over me. Either the power to expose me, or the power to make me feel humiliated.

OK, so let's look at that. If I really had no secrets from anyone at all, then there would be no way to expose me, because I've already exposed myself. Right? So that all by itself takes away half the power.

But what about the other half? Well, one way of interpreting you attacking me is that I'm bad. That you're exposing something that reveals how bad I am. But another way of interpreting it is that you don't know me very well, and are afraid of me in some way. I mean, why commit an emotional (or even factual) attack me unless you're afraid? We all have our own skeletons in the closet, just because I show mine and someone else doesn't does not mean they don't have one... And they're sufficiently afraid to hide theirs. It gives me the ability to treat such attacks an expression of the other person's fear, rather than anything really to do with me.

Do I really have no secrets at all? Not exactly. I mean, I don't have any that I currently know about. Every once in a while I discover something that used to be a secret... When I do, I expose it to the light as quickly as I can, thus taking it's power.

Someday, when I have more time, I'll create a list here of my worst traits and former secrets. Maybe I can have my wife create a balancing list of what's good about me.

I am a former addict

I was an addict, past tense. In 1992 I was addicted to crank (cocaine and methamphetamine). Had to do a line every morning to get out of bed. This went on for six months. At first, it was great, I got lots of stuff done. Then, as time went by, I found I was getting more and more fuzzy headed. Unable to remember what it was I was supposed to do. So I decided to start keeping a list. And then that worked great! For a while. But the fuzzy headedness increased, and even the list stopped helping. Then...

My real addiction kicked in. I am addicted to being in control of myself (fortunately, this addition doesn't extend to controlling others). My control addict realized that the crank was now in control. I quit the next day.

The first day off the stuff was OK. The second day I slept all but for 2 hours in the evening. The next three days had a lot more sleeping, and generally being cranky (pardon the pun) when I was awake.

Then the crud cleared from my system. For the next three weeks I was on a natural high. It was great. I could concentrate again, I felt great, I was relaxed and un-hurried. But after about 5 weeks...

The control addict said "Hey, wait a minute! I'm still not in control. The crank is still in control, but now by it's enforced absence." So, I picked a few projects, wrote 'em down, got wired again, and did 'em all. After a couple of more weeks, I did this one more time. The control addict was now satisfied, and I haven't done it since.

Gender is an interest of mine

In 1998, I finally decided I would remain male for the rest of my days. But from the time I was six or seven, I dreamt often of becoming a girl one day. My reason for deciding to stay as I was was prompted by vanity: I am far more happy with the job I can do decorating this frame if I do it in the guise of a male. If I tried to decorate this frame as female (and I did exactly once) I could not generate a result I was happy with. I did a ritual for Samhain when I made this decision. Did the Halloween costume at work as going in drag. My T friends helped me out with this, crafting appropriate padding, doing the makeup, etc. I did a good enough job that something like 1/4 of the folks at work had no idea who I was, when I showed up dressed like this. Something like 1/2 figured it out on their own eventually. Despite the secular trimmings, this was a ritual act for me. And there have been many subtle changes in my life since then because of this.

I think one of the reasons for my gender issues was that when I was growing up, my folks talked about having a daughter. I have three younger brothers. And every time mom got pregnant, I would hear this again about how they so wanted a girl. I think I internalized this as "if I had been born a girl, everything would have been much better". To a large degree because of this, I am competent in the kitchen, with a sewing machine, with an iron, etc. etc. All the things that mom did, I wanted to be good at.

My wife prefers me this way as well, so I think I'll stay this way.

Update 5/2002: In the last 6 months, I realized that even though I had taken on staying male, I hadn’t taken on being male. Owning that I am masculine and that there is power in being male. Previously I had only seen the power of the feminine. It has shifted many things, mostly in subtle ways. One way in which the shift hasn’t been subtle is in love making. I have learned to be male, and I have learned that being male can be a gift to my lovers. It showed up first in how I kissed, then in how I did tantric energy work, and most recently in how I engage in ‘play’. By that I mean what most people call foreplay, but for it to really be powerful, you have to give up that anything else has to happen afterwards. Allow it to be only it’s own thing, enjoyed for itself. I’m still learning this, but I’m having a lot of fun… And there usually is a really delightful afterwards. (Thanx MB!)

Personality Types

My Meyers-Briggs type is INFP. If you don't know what that means, you could check out Please Understand Me by David Keirsey and Marilyn Bates .

I'm a Taurus

Someone sent me this: You are strong, persistent, and patient, harboring a fierce loyalty towards those you love most. You dedicated a good deal of time to family and are constant in most relationships. Although you have a tendency to become set in your own ways, you learn from every experience and never stray from a task you have started until you finish it. Taureans often become teachers and leaders in business because they are naturals at providing guidance and creating order. Because of their warm-hearted nature, they are successful in marriage and have a particular fondness for children. Taureans are avid athletes and enjoy spending time outdoors.

It seems to be pretty close on, tho I do not fancy my self an athlete. Tho I have in the past taught live steel broadsword fighting.

And maybe a philosopher

Maybe... Shall we discuss what that means?

Other things...

I'm a shortwave listener, a fountain pen collector, a calligrapher, a therapeutic hypnotist, an amateur masseur, a comedian, a computer hobbyist, and generally a fixer of things.

When I was a kid...

When I was a kid, I was pretty reclusive. I became a fan of Star Trek when I was in the 6^th grade, tho I remember watching it as a kid much earlier than that.

My two heroes as a kid were Captain Kirk and Gomez Addams. Interestingly enough, they were the only two men on T.V. in the 60s who were portrayed as having some kind of sex life.

The first picture of me taking things apart was when I was three. I was sitting on a toolbox I had received for Christmas, plastic screw driver in one hand, and a tube radio across my lap, all the tubes laid on the floor, by my side. Poking around inside the radio with the aforementioned toy screwdriver.

I was in the Mentally Gifted Minors program at school, which didn't seem to actually do anything in my district except collect additional money, and promise that they would do something interesting soon.

I went to visit my grandparents when summers came around. Me and my three younger brothers. My grandparents had a hog farm outside of Oroville. They raised hogs, chickens, rabbits... And at various times had a couple of sheep, a horse, a cow, a goat, and a selection cats and dogs. There was also the obligatory vegetable garden. I believe our folks dropped us there so they could have a break, we thought it great fun. Tho by the end of our stay, I think my grandparents were ready to have their place to themselves again.

I tended to hang out with adults, when I hung out with anyone at all. I was reading early and used reading as a way to escape not fitting in. I remember a lot of games I played on the dining room table with basically nothing... Things that went on only in my imagination.

Favorite Quotes...

My favorite quote of all time is from a comic book:

Always, ALWAYS remember, less is LESS. More is MORE. More is BETTER. And twice as much is good too! Not enough is BAD and too much is NEVER enough, unless it's just about right.

-The Tick.

Second fav…

Commander Lock: Not everyone believes what you do Morpheus.
Morpheus: My beliefs do not require them to.

On food....

This section is here because somebody asked.

What I like and don't like in food: I HATE mayo. I also don't like peppers, five-spice, water chestnuts, seasame, or onions. I also mostly don't like spicy hot food. I don't like sushi. I do have a thing against stuff that could be construed as "white goopy stuff", like sour cream.

I'm not real adventurous with food, but as long as it doesn't have the stuff above (some onions are ok - especially if they're cooked to the point of being unrecognizable), I'll at least give it a try.

What I do like -- Pizza... There is no more perfect food. Steak... Very, very rare. Grilled with a bit of butter. Ice cream. Burgers, pasta... Lamb, yum.

I think food has the potential to be an exquisite sensory experience, despite my largely pedestrian tastes. I do like to cook from time to time, and have created my own recipes for brownies, an italian red sauce, lasagna, an Italian omelette, breakfast burritos and apple pancakes.

I like using some Mexican elements in my cooking, but others I tend not to like at all, like salsa (too much onion).

My family and food....

Dawn also isn't big on onions or peppers, but is OK with 5 spice and water chestnuts. And she loves sushi.

FOOD ALLERGIES: Dawn is allergic to walnuts. Allegra is allergic to bananas.

Tech Support: Yes, how can I help you?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install Love. Can you guide me through the process?

Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. What do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart?

Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they are running?
Tech Support: What programs are running?

Customer: Let's see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-esteem, Grudge, and Resentment running right now.

Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-esteem with a module of its own called High Self-esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "Error - Program not run on external components". What should I do?

Tech Support: Don't worry. It means that the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others.

Customer: So, what should I do?

Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations.

Customer: Okay, done.

Tech Support: Now, copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-criticism from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually everything gets in at the proper time. So, Love is installed and running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.

Customer: Wow, thanks so much for your help!

Tech Support: You're welcome